When you talk a lot you are bound to make mistakes.

As a trial lawyer, I can tell you that few things are as embarrassing as reading a trial transcript. Invariably, there are parts where you think “I couldn’t possibly have said that” or “No one with an IQ above that of a lamp and even a passing acquaintance with the English language could have said that.”

Sometimes, the things you said were unintentionally funny.

And that leads to today’s question: What are some of the funniest things lawyers have said in court?

Based on my research, I nominate these gems.

Lawyer: “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”

**********

Lawyer: “So you were gone until you returned?”

**********
Lawyer: “The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?”

**********

Lawyer: “Were you alone or by yourself?”

**********

Lawyer: “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”

**********

Witness: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
Lawyer: “Was this a male or a female?”

**********

Lawyer: “I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.”
Witness: “That’s me.”
Lawyer: “Were you present when that picture was taken?”

**********

Lawyer: “Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?”

**********

Lawyer: “Do you know how far pregnant you are now?”
Witness: “I’ll be three months on November 8.”
Lawyer: “Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?”
Witness: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “What were you doing at that time?”

**********

Lawyer: “You say that the stairs went down to the basement?”
Witness: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”

**********

Lawyer: “This myasthenia gravis — does it affect your memory at all?”
Witness: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “And in what ways does it affect your memory?”
Witness: “I forget.”
Lawyer: “You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?”

**********

Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”

**********

Lawyer: “What is your relationship with the plaintiff?”
Witness: “She is my daughter.”
Lawyer: “Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?”

**********

Lawyer: “And what did he do then?”
Witness: “He came home, and next morning he was dead.”
Lawyer: “So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?”

**********

And I have saved the best for last.

Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

**********

And here’s a bonus, another comeuppance for a lawyer . . .

Lawyer: “Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–”
Witness: “Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.”

**These questions and answers are designed to provide helpful information that can be read quickly. They are neither a full explanation of the subject nor legal advice. To learn more, and to receive legal advice on which you can rely, contact me or another lawyer.

Contact Us

all fields required

Name